Longing to Go Home

I was talking to my husband last week about how I get nostalgic to go home at this time of year. I remember how excited I would get, knowing that we would soon travel to my parents’ house at their lake house in the Carolinas. You see, it was extra special for me, because I left my parents’ house when I was seventeen to head off to college. I didn’t know what God had in store for me then, but as it turns out, I only saw them 2-3 times a year after that. God allowed me to meet my other half, the one who makes me whole, as soon as they dropped me off at college. God blessed me with the “husband of my youth,” as the scripture says, and I would not change one thing that happened. But there was always a gnawing and longing in my heart to “go home,” my parents’ home. Years of marriage taught me that my home was where my husband and children were, and slowly, over time, we built a home. The deepest part of my soul, however, always longed to “go home.” Why? Could it be because I left home so young and missed out on many years of being with my parents? Could it be because home is warm and comfortable? When life gets hard, we resort to the comfortable. It’s what we know. It’s probably a combination of all of that.

So, now flash forward to the here and now. God took my sweet Daddy ten years ago and my beautiful Mom seven years ago.  I still get that longing in my soul to go back home, but it’s not there and neither are they. What do I do with this feeling? God gave me my answer. This longing comes from Him and Him alone. This is the same feeling I have when I long for my Heavenly Home. I can make good memories while I’m here on Earth with friends and family, but the ultimate longing of my heart is to be with Jesus face to face. Nothing satisfies but Jesus. I can’t wait for that day!

When my kids were little, we used to plan our trip to the lake house. We looked forward to the plane ride from Dallas to Atlanta. We would rent a car, and then start the 2-3 hour trek. It was city driving for the most part, but that last 45 minutes would heighten our excitement as we saw the sign for Scenic 11. That’s when we would envision the cousins and aunts and uncles that would be at MiMi and PawPaw’s house. That’s when we would try to picture each of our favorite dishes that Mimi and all the girls would make. We would picture my husband with PawPaw yelling at the football games, providing entertainment for all of us. And, my husband would be having the “ok, kids, don’t check your brain at the door” discussion with our children to remind them not to get into too much trouble with their cousins in the woods. By the way, it never worked. The ride home at the end usually had a “what did we talk about?” sermon somewhere in there. But….when we got to the dirt road that led to their house, the singing started. It was 15 minutes of a grand chorus of “Over the river and the through the woods, to Grandmother’s house we go!” Good memories, great times.

“I still get that longing in my soul to go back home, but it’s not there and neither are they. What do I do with this feeling? God gave me my answer. This longing comes from Him and Him alone.”

How do I go forward from here? When God allows our loved ones to go on to be with Him, how do we deal with that feeling? I have the benefit of being several years removed from the loss of my parents. Time is a great healer. You go through stages. At first I was numb and thought, “I’ll never be the same and I’ll never get over this.” To some degree, that is still true, but differently than I thought. I am amazed at how God brings memories to my mind to reflect at such interesting times. This is a gift to help me remember the good stuff. Also, at first, I beat myself up (I am a pro at this) thinking I could have helped them more, loved them more, showed them I cared more, etc. That was just the enemy trying to beat me down and render me helpless. My God is bigger than the enemy. He has already won the victory, so I have no business listening to the enemy about anything. Years later, I am at peace with their memory and at peace that God’s timing in taking them was perfect. All of our days are numbered and if God says that’s enough then I should know there’s a plan for it.  How can I honor their memory and go forward? The best way is to build my home into that home I used to want to go to for so many years. What were the characteristics of that home? Warmth, Love, Welcoming, Spiritual conversations, Catching up with extended family, Honesty (sometimes brutal honesty, but that’s ok), Great Food, Football, Listening, Lots of talking, Resting (my husband’s favorite), Getting away from the routine…all good things and all necessary for rejuvenation and healthy relationships.

I can provide all that in my home for my children and grandchildren, so they have that special place to come home to. It all comes back around.  I see my parents’ characteristics in my children. God finds a way to give you a piece of your parents in yourself and in your children. My Zachary has the intellect of my father, my Cati has the work ethic of my father, and my Madison has the happy disposition of my mother. What a gift! Thank you, Lord, for putting a piece of my sweet parents into my children. We have just a limited amount of time to accomplish what God has for us in this life. I don’t want to waste it thinking what used to be or what could have been. Scripture tells me that God ordained my days before the Creation of the world. Wow! That’s serious. I need to make the most of those days. God’s got work for me to do. I can remember the past with fondness and I can long for my Heavenly Home, but, Lord, please make me useful right now…today.

A. Montgomery