Marriage Is Dead!

It’s t-minus eight days until my wedding, and one has to wonder: Is marriage dead? Now, lest you think I’m having last-minute wedding jitters, I’m not. I’m simply asking the question that has invaded our society and culture and actually been asked of me.

Bethany and I are excited to get married—plain and simple. However, during the courting period (do people still call it that?), we have been met with the confusion, irritation, and criticism of various people who hear of our pending nuptials.

It’s sad. People these days are so diluted in their thinking regarding marriage. Let me just break down what we’ve heard:

You’re not living together? Prepare for divorce!

This reaction always amuses me. It’s like people think I made this great miscalculation when contemplating marriage. Don’t you try on the tennis shoes in the store before walking out with them? Well, yes, but I hardly think putting marriage in the same category as a simple transaction is appropriate.

Living together wasn’t even on the table. Why would we operate as if we were married? We’re not missing out on anything. Yes, you are, Zach! How do you know what she’s like after work? What side of the bed does she take over? Etc.

I think the group that’s aghast at our living in separate places until after the wedding misses a few points. First, the divorce rate is noticeably higher for couples who choose premature cohabitation. Yes, there is an inverse relationship between trying out the married life before marriage and the success of the marriage. Living together and sleeping together prior to saying “I do” isn’t the norm, unless the norm is setting yourself up for failure.

Second, the people that say this tend to miss the fact that I can know my bride-to-be on a daily basis without being under the same roof. It’s amazing. I can wake up, go to work, and meet Bethany at my place. We can talk, eat dinner together, play a game, fight over whether there should be curtains in the living room, etc. Then, at the end of the evening, I’ll send her home. It affords me the opportunity to live life with her without living with her.

Finally, I believe there is an overemphasis on living compatibility rather than heart compatibility. Years ago, I put together a spiritual checklist for my wife. Number one on the list: Does she love Jesus? Number two: Is her relationship with Jesus growing? If we’re locking up the important questions in the beginning, we can deal with shoes that don’t quite make it to the closet at the end of the day.

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[quote bar=”true” align=”center”]I believe there is an overemphasis on living compatibility rather than heart compatibility.[/quote]

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It’s just a piece of paper. That’s all that’s changing!

See my comments above. These statements are typically said in tandem, and they miss the mark. I’ve actually heard people say that marriage is altogether unnecessary because nothing would change. Really? Nothing? If people really believe that, then they’re right not to get married. They have trivialized its importance.

That piece of paper means so much more. It’s not just a contract. It’s not something that can be easily dissolved. Marriage is a covenant.

Look at the differences. A contract involves the exchange of promises, which may or may not occur over a defined set of time. On the other hand, a covenant involves the exchange of individuals, which occurs over an indefinite amount of time. Not only so, a covenant is made in the presence of God.

So, if you’re in a contract mindset, I wouldn’t be shocked to hear of your divorce. Marriage isn’t about she did this, so I’ll do that. It’s not tit for tat. It’s giving yourself completely to your other half without conditions. And, why should that be our understanding? Because, Christ models this relationship with the Church. He is eternally, unconditionally, and completely devoted to the Church, and His true love was demonstrated at Calvary.

Once you have the signed marriage license in your hand, the relationship you have with your spouse should be markedly different. You’re not two married individuals. You’re one married unit.

Why would you want to subject yourself to a prison sentence?

I have talked to a few men about my upcoming marriage. Some of them just had one word of advice: “Run!”

How sad. Why are prison images always associated with marriage? She’s the ol’ ball and chain. I gave up my freedom to be with her. I’m just serving my time.

You did agree to marry her, right? Somewhere after the wedding pronouncement real married life starts to take hold. The honeymoon period begins to dissipate, and difficulties start to creep up. Is this surprising? No, because marriage is the uniting of two beautiful sinners. We’re assured of trials.

However, perspective is key. We should seek the best for our spouse. We should give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. We should give our spouse the very best of ourselves.

There is no half-committing to marriage. If you’re fully giving yourself to another, then you need to do just that. Those that try and hold on to their old single selves while being married will surely find themselves in prison (and do everything they can to find an escape).

One Thought

My office recently congratulated me for my upcoming wedding. Part of their gift was a piece of wedding advice from everyone in the office. I received roughly 40 notes from everyone with a very consistent theme. About 95% of the notes said either: (1) She is always right, or (2) Happy wife, happy life.

The advice may be an oversimplification, but it was worth the read.

I lost the battle on putting up curtains in the house, and I’m happier for it.

Z. Montgomery