Why Marriage is So Much More Than a Contract

Many people can still remember a time when people would go out to the country and purchase a piece of equipment or land on a handshake. Back in those days, a person’s word was as good as any legal contract.  Webster’s defines a contract as: a binding agreement between two or more persons or parties, especially, one legally enforceable.  My how times have changed. According to most statistics, marriage ends in divorce for about 50% of couples. Sadly, the statistics inside the church aren’t much better.  In today’s world we treat a contract as a temporary thing. It is used to prevent someone from violating the terms of an agreement. How often have you heard, “contracts were meant to be broken?” All too often in our world today we treat marriage as a contract. But is this the right term? Scripture teaches that marriage is a covenant. The word is translated In Hebrew as a bond. A covenant marriage exemplifies unconditional love and a volitional commitment between two persons and God for a lifetime. What are some of the elements to ensure a lifelong covenant marriage?

Pre-marital counseling is essential. This is a time to discuss all the major things you will deal with together in your marriage. It sometimes involves role playing and acting out several scenarios with a minister or counselor. I would encourage anyone to find a Christian mentor couple that has been married for at least 20 years. They can provide valuable insight and experience to help you navigate and avoid pitfalls in your new life together. Finally, never get married to your significant other before you have been together a year. Why?  This allows you to see your future spouse in every season, be it how they deal with grief, anger, success, failure, celebrations or traditions. It will give you a glimpse of what your future life together will look like.

Before marriage discuss the three major areas of life – finances, sex, and family. More disagreements will come up in these three areas than just about any other. Plan together on who will handle the finances and set a budget. Make sure you both agree to spending limits, saving, and goals. Second, follow the Biblical model for sex. Sex is a God-given gift. You should set expectations of what each of you understand the Biblical roles are in a marriage setting. Never use sex as a weapon. Always set an appointment if one of you is tired or out of town. Lastly, discuss expectations for your family. How many children? Whose parents do we spend holidays with? Where do we want to live? Should we purchase a house? Finding answers in these three areas can facilitate a smoother transition in the first years of your new relationship.

The first thing preeminent in any successful covenant marriage is that God is supreme in every action, decision, and commitment you make as a couple. This is demonstrated by praying together about everything you do, reading Scripture together and discussing it, and most of all, being accountable to one another. I have never known a marriage to break up when both spouses are praying together regularly. Also, find a healthy, well-balanced church.  A recent University of Virginia study found that couples who are active in their church are 35% less likely to divorce.  The church should be unashamed of the Gospel, faithful and uncompromising in its view of Scripture, and prioritize being the “hands and feet of Jesus” in the community.

Marriage also means self-demotion. While God has spoken clearly of the hierarchy of the marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:21), Scripture teaches that in a marriage each partner submits willingly to the other. This entails humbly submitting to the other person’s needs in the relationship, regarding feelings, necessities, etc. As the head of the household, I understand my list of wants or needs as the husband and father is to be last. As the responsible person before God, and fully accountable, my job is to make sure that I put the entire family before myself. It is a picture of Christ and the Church. Wives are to encourage, love, and support their husbands. However, both spouses must be willing to submit to one another.

Marriage is about fighting right. Yes, that’s right, couples will have disagreements. When you have a problem, you need to pick a time privately to discuss it. Always assume the best from your spouse in the situation. Never use absolutes, like always or never, in a fight to try to win the argument. Putting on the boxing gloves and getting into it never ends well. Be a problem solver! Listen to each other’s point of view and try to find common ground. Always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt in any action or word. You want him or her to think the best of you, so you’re obligated to do the same thing.

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[quote bar=”true” align=”center”]Putting on the boxing gloves and getting into it never ends well.[/quote]

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Marriage is about Love. It is a love that goes far beyond the romantic love that brought you together. It is not only a physical connection but a spiritual one. You are your spouse’s biggest cheerleader, advocate, encourager, etc. Each spouse should complement and elevate one another. One of the most important rules in a covenant marriage is that you should never embarrass or tear down your spouse in front of others. Never point out the other’s flaws in public company. Doing so not only embarrasses them, but it also belittles you.

Marriage is also about guarding your heart. Your spouse should never have to figure out how important you are to them. Be sure to take the time to tell your loved one you love them daily. Over time, the things you used to do when courting them can be forgotten. Plan at least one date night a month for you and your spouse. Enjoy a walk together or a movie. All these things nurture your relationship.

Finally, remove any temptation that would hurt your partnership with your spouse. This can be magazines, social media contacts, or anything you wouldn’t do with them being present. Engage the “Billy Graham” rule. In other words, never be alone with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse. This will safeguard your relationship and make you above accusation. It will also prevent emotional attachments that come along with private socializing.

Marriage is about more than just a voidable contract. It is a covenant before God to be faithful and true to one person for the rest of your life. God gave you that special person for a reason. It is a wonderful experience of so many grand things.  My wife and I have both been blessed to see our own parents celebrate 50+ years of marriage. Not every year was perfect, but they understood the importance of the covenant marriage. A “Christ centered” marriage allows you to face the pitfalls of life that will lie ahead. Marriage will take work from both of you and will not always have a clear, uncomplicated path. However, honoring the covenant marriage, as opposed to a contract marriage, will provide every opportunity for the fulfilling relationship that God desires for you.

S. Montgomery