Dating with Divorce in Mind
He sauntered into the room, intending to fritter away the evening with friends. He took in the view. The gala was adorned with regal tapestries and chandeliers and peppered with floral arrangements that would make a botanist weep. Couples were already circling the dance floor, gracefully moving as if on ice skates. The food was immaculate, harmonizing savory dishes and sculpted desserts. To his surprise, this was not a normal event.
Scanning the environment for his companions, his gaze immediately halted. She was breathtaking. And, it wasn’t just because she was glowing in an elegant blue dress of chiffon and charmeuse. The way she greeted newcomers and interacted with her friends was captivating. He had known her for years but never pursued her.
As if a spotlight beamed down from the heavens, she was suddenly the only person he saw in the room. He had to talk to her. With the first step, he began the journey across the ballroom. Focused gaze, fluttering stomach, shortness of breath. He gathered his thoughts, greeted her, and said:
“I have known you for years and always enjoyed our friendship, but I have never told you something…I love you. And, I want to pursue you because…well, I see a future with you…a future that would lead to marriage. I think we could make it as a married couple for at least five years…maybe ten…depending on when the allure runs out. I guess what I’m trying to say is…I can promise you today, but I can’t promise you tomorrow.”
The Landscape
Wow. That’s what every girl wants to hear.
He is a knight in shining armor from afar, gleaming in the radiance of the sun, with a square jaw and an intriguing look of disinterest. And, then you come closer for inspection, and the truth is revealed: the armor is cheap and laden with dents and bruises, his rugged jawline reveals an uncouth attempt at shaving, and that intriguing look of disinterest…well, that was actually disinterest.
Unfortunately, people are not upfront and honest like the detestable bachelor above and only reveal their thoughts on dating and relationships way too far down the road. We have become comfortable with a marriage mindset that has allowed the current divorce culture to invade our space. But, the problem doesn’t start once you’re married. It starts back during the dating phase.
Believers and nonbelievers alike have approached the dating scene not with marriage in mind but divorce in mind. Sure, you may have dated with an awareness of the future, but either you didn’t know what the future would look like, or you unconsciously incorporated an end-date to the relationship. You only thought as far as the wedding and honeymoon or a few years after that. Maybe not even that far.
But, it’s not your fault…I mean that’s what society says at least. If it’s “just not working out,” you can flip the kill switch. Thank you, no-fault divorce. Or, if you were unaware that he rolls the toilet paper under rather than over until you’re married and living together, there’s an opt-out provision, right? After all, marriage is just a contract.
The Mentality
People and relationships have been drained of their ultimate beauty. Society has devalued the worth of the individual to a fad—popularly pursued, then fervently forgotten. The thrill is exciting for a set amount of time until you swipe left. However, relationships are not the equivalent of tie-dye shirts and the Tickle Me Elmo.
It’s not a new concept. In our sinful, self-absorbed state, we polarize the “get” and the “give” in relationships. The goal is not to see how one person can out-give the other, as it should be. The goal has become how much can one person get from the other person. In evaluating your relationship, you keep asking, “What has he/she done for me lately?” And, you have ignored the more heart-piercing question, “What have I done for him/her lately?”
This me-focused mentality is much like approaching a beautiful and immaculate landscape and surveying its serenity and vibrancy and vitality. You take in the rolling waterfalls, the birds chasing each other around the weeping willow, and the light mist that tickles your skin in the light of the sun. You enjoy what the land has to offer but then seek to take your fill from it. In the process, the land is drained of its beauty, its resources, its potential, its future. And, once the land is a shriveled shell of its former self, you cast it aside, pick up your things, and leave.
What happened to prioritizing others above yourself? What happened to the concept of self-sacrifice for the sake of others? Instead, some pursue dating relationships based on certain appeals that wane as time progresses—looks, feelings, interests, physicality, etc. And, they’re surprised when the relationships crumble when the foundation ultimately cracks.
In Matthew 7, Jesus contrasts the wise and foolish builders. The wise builder constructed his house on a rock foundation. The foolish builder constructed his house on sand. It should be no surprise that when the “rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house,” the wise builder’s home stood resolute, and the foolish builder’s house fell with a great crash.
Applied to relationships and dating, what is your foundation? The strong relationships that withstand attacks and strife are built upon a strong foundation in the Lord. The relationships that are cracking at the seams may be built on sand-like attributes that gradually erode until there is nothing left.
Pursuit of pleasure pails in the shadow of Truth.
The Grand Design
Present-day relationships to a large degree ignore the original construct laid out in the beginning—the real beginning. Finishing up the adventure of Creation, God breathed life into humanity with a glorious signature. Genesis 1:27 recounts this event:
So God created mankind in His own image,
in the image of God He created them;
male and female He created them.
In a stunning moment in history, God created male and female in His image. A natural complementarity was formed, as male and female represented different attributes of a perfect God. They were image-bearers that conveyed a fuller picture of the Lord together rather than apart. As a result, if they were to function together in their relationship, they must have understood their identity together.
Fast-forward to today. We’re still people bearing the seal of the King’s image. But, in a general sense (especially a relational sense), we have lost sight of whose image we bear. Believers must be mindful of their identity, which transcends human anatomy. When you look into the eyes of the one you love, you’re getting a glimpse of God.
We lose sight of this way too often, as the world floods our hearts and minds with competing interests. His looks, her beauty, his career, her money…all nugatory in the grand scheme of things. Relationships should not be built on these aspects or even on a feeling. Emotion is not the basis for stability. Like our faith, our relationships cannot sacrifice Truth, which is never changing, on the altar of feelings, which are ever-changing.
We must shake the divorce-minded mentality (unconscious as it may be) by burying ourselves in the truths of our Foundation. These truths are completely desirable and exhibit attributes of our loving Father: Faithfulness is easier to comprehend when viewed in light of an eternal God. Love is less difficult to fathom when you recognize God’s never-ending pursuit of our hearts. Forgiveness of your partner’s flaws and failures is based in a loving Father who forgives us for all our sins in the name of Jesus.
Don’t pursue someone based on your own limited strength. Take the time to reflect. Pursue someone with two things in mind: keep your identity as an image-bearer ever present on your mind and place your partner’s needs above your own.
Z. Montgomery